Things not to do when the fridge is humming loud enough to attract passing aliens

It is 4am and you’re wide awake.  You could . . .

  • Kick the fridge, hard. Note.  It won’t work, but it will make you feel quite powerful.  Don’t forget to wear shoes.
  • Drink a black coffee and 3 plus 4 extra chocolate biscuits because you’re wide awake already so what difference will caffeine make.   Note. This is a stupid, brainless theory.  You forgot the cholesterol.
  • Think about your work colleagues.  Note.  This is also stupid because the person who annoys you the most will pop into your head and all their irritating habits will bring on an in-bed stress attack, which combined with caffeine, just isn’t good for you.
  • Think about your partner.  Note. This is also risky because the last argument you had with them will replay in your head and before you know it you’ll be practicing an OUTLOUD argument with him/her using all the great one-liners you didn’t think of at the time.  AVOID this if they are lying next to you.
  • Read a book.  Note.  If you do this in the hope that one or two pages will send you to sleep, forget it.  You will need to read at least five chapters.
  • Send a TXT message to a mate.  Note.  Because you’re awake at 4am – and grumpy – the temptation to wind them up will be overwhelming.  If you go ahead make sure you are ok with never seeing them again.
  • Send a TXT message to an ex-partner.  Note.  You can only really do this when you’re completely bladdered and so have a (pitiful) excuse. DON’T DO IT if your ex- has a new partner, they may reply and you won’t like what they have to say.
  • Write a page on your blog.  Note.   You will believe that your laptop has superpowers at 4am. The keys glow in the dark, the return key is supersonic and you can type mega-fast.  NONE of this is real.
  • Do some ironing.  Note.  This may save you time in the morning but wedge-shaped burns on your arms, stomach and chest are not a good look.
  • Re-organise your cupboards.  Note.  This is a good strategy because you will fall asleep out of sheer boredom BUT your room will look like rampaging bulls went through it in the middle of the night.
  • Get up.  Note.   You should never get up at 4am.  It’s still dark outside – are you stupid?

Categories: Just Plain Blog

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3 replies

  1. Complete genuis, made me laugh out loud and the kids to wonder what was wrong with me. Yet again, i am amazed at your skill (and just more than slightly envious).
    I particularly liek the last point… who DOES get up at 4am anyway 😀

  2. Reading this made my day!! I loved the vision of carrying out an argument rerun out loud while your partner was next to you – I can relate to these middle-of-the-night mumblings!

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