Words can speak louder than actions . . .

I have a lovely male friend in my life at the moment and over the last few months I’ve allowed myself to believe that we could become more than just friends. He indicated several times that he was interested in me in that way but, after waltzing to the sound of ‘will we or won’t we’, the dance has got, quite frankly, boring. The proverbial straw was this recent text message: “I think you want more out of a relationship than I do”. How he came to this conclusion is a mystery but it made me mad as hell. Since we have never had any sort of relationship in the traditional sense (never been out together alone, never been physically intimate (other than in an affectionate way e.g. hugs), never had conversations about “us”, never declared any feelings other than ‘I like you’, never told each other secrets or even held hands) I can only assume that he has changed his mind or worse still, has made assumptions about what I’m thinking without any evidence to back it up. So, rather than lose a good friend, I’ve handed in my dance card and exited the floor.

But it got me thinking about why some people decide ahead of time what their relationship with another person is going to be. I’ve been around long enough to know that no-one ever really knows where any relationship will end up. Will it last a few weeks or months, a few years or forever? To know, you have to actually start something to find out and deciding from the outset which way you want it to go, is completely redundant and frankly, insulting to the other person. I think it essentially says ‘I want this relationship on my terms and on mine alone’ which isn’t a relationship at all is it?

Have you had an experience like this?  Do you agree with me?  Or do you think it just comes down to ‘he’s just not that into you’! (I could handle the latter if instead of double-speak, he just said it!).  What do you think?

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Categories: Just Plain Blog

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13 replies

  1. Hi Sally,
    Did you actually ask him where he got that impression from? It seems like self-flattery to me and it definitely sounds like he got scared and is not ready for any lasting commitment. Some people are just not long-term relationship material, let alone marriage.
    Still, look on the bright side: better alone than in bad company.

  2. Sally, wanted to just add here, think male friends are really important, as they give a great different perspective on life. My male friends tend to always tell me the truth, as opposed to female friends that never wish to hurt my feelings.
    🙂

  3. Ugh…it is common that males do such things that you mentioned in this post. I had one ex boyfriend that obviously felt that he wanted out of the relationship. However, instead of approaching me about it, he decided to start arguments with me, ignore me, and just have a bad attitude until I through up my arms and said it was over. Luckily all men are not this way and I hope you meet one of them =)

  4. Sally, it seems like this man may have a fear of commitment. During my many years of dating, it finally dawned on me that if a man doesn’t want to marry me within a year, he is not going to…my husband married me within 3 months. Prior to that, I wasted so much energy on men that I liked or loved, but they were always looking around me for something better. Reading the book, “he is just no that into you” was a hard read, due to a ton of cursing, but the book was written by a man and from a man’s point of view.

    Sounds like he may just be a friend, but sometimes a friend is even better, and much less complicated.

    You are a very wise women, seems like you know the answer, and yes you are correct, actions speak way louder than words.

    Sally, put a link to your site on my blogroll on the homepage.

    Love your blog! Wonderful and interesting writing.

  5. Sorry, Sally it’s not a challenge about poetry, was making the comment with my phone and sometiimes it just autocorrects words. It is a challenge about writing a report on history or a historical person.

  6. I don’t know, of course, Sally, but boy do I have a long list of friends who tell me the same experience! When we discuss their circumstances, we usually come to the conclusion that the “other person” is indeed controlling the situation, and probably mostly due to being fearful of taking further steps. They can’t let things just move naturally into a deeper relationship. To me, anyone who sends a message like the one you received in a text, of all things, is really phobic! Otherwise, let’s at least have a conversation! It’s really quite childish! And there are a lot of little boys out there, from what I hear! D

  7. My dear lady you have been invited to a dual, a dual among writers:
    http://awomeninherthirties.com/2012/08/29/blogging-challenge-can-you-win/

    Many will enter and only one shall win, you have the talents to win with your poetry..

    Best of luck!

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