This was posted on a friend’s Facebook page this week – I think it’s doing the rounds. It made me smile but I decided to respond in kind, but definitely tongue-in-cheek
THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE…
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.. 1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE…REALLY.
1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
IN RESPONSE TO ‘MAN RULES’
PLEASE NOTE THESE ARE NOT NUMBERED ON PURPOSE
We know men are not mind readers which is why we have to repeat everything so that you eventually understand
Working the toilet seat is easy. It’s your aim that is the problem.
Crying is a natural response to upsetting events, if we wanted to blackmail you there are other, far more effective means to do that.
We know that a subtle hint doesn’t work: ‘sigh, I can’t believe how much washing up there is’.
We know that a strong hint doesn’t work: ‘I’m so tired, I really can’t face doing the washing up now’.
We know that an obvious hint doesn’t’ work: ‘It would be fantastic if I didn’t have to do the washing up’.
We also know that just saying it: ‘could you please just do the fucking washing up’ generally results in an argument.
Your inability to understand complex questions is not our problem
When we ask you to read the instructions, we are just trying to save time, not trying to make you feel stupid. Getting mad and heading for the pub does not a problem solve.
If we look at a man for five seconds at a party, you cannot bring it up six months later
We know whether we are fat or not. We only ask you to test you.
Sometimes we don’t understand that there are TWO ways of interpreting something. We are not mind readers.
Just because we can do it ourselves, doesn’t mean we want to
Christopher Columbus was really smart and used the stars to navigate. You can’t do that so read the goddam map.
We know that men only see in 16 colours. This is another test.
Mostly when we say ‘nothing’, we mean nothing. If there was something wrong we would talk to our girlfriends, not you.
If we ask you a question, we expect an answer. Duh!
Choosing the right thing to wear when we have to go somewhere is fun. Asking you is another test.
Asking men what they are thinking about is a game we play for amusement. We know that for the most part your mind is completely blank.
Round is not a shape. A six pack is a shape.
Any other observations would be gratefully received.
Categories: Just Plain Blog